Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.