Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Just had my nails done!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.