mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
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Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?