Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation