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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.