I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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