Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Saw online –
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free