All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Leaving the Barbers like
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.