do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
When you’re Kinky but poor
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.