If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
What a kind woman! 😂😂
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”