Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I was bored.