It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
You Might Also Like
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Love is in the air fryer.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl