The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?