Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
You Might Also Like
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”