Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The 6 types of sex
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo