If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
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I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.