An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
An odd boast
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I see your IQ test came back negative
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious