ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
that wasn’t the question
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“No way.” -Jose
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.