My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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that lip filler tho
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives