My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.