People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.