Well, shit
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Anyone want a chair?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?