ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You Might Also Like
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋