I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
You Might Also Like
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me irl
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*mops up wine with cat*
Its a hippotatomus
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio