If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I hate everything
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Erm…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.