would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?