I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
For the ones in the back.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
SPLOOT
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.