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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
i want to work in this restaurant
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car