Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
who wants to go expliring
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say