“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I saw this ending much differently.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run