if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Did a trash talking tree write this?