Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I love the National Park Service.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now