Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
You Might Also Like
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
He’s cranky this morning
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.