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[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
💯😂
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe