Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Noted.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.