Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.