good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
You can’t rush stupid.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Does this dress make me look cat?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious