this post was so formative to me
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.