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Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude