You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
good let them take over I have had enough
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.