listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
become ungovernable
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys