i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.