you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Noah was an idiot.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
guys I’m going home
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me sliding into hell like
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*