When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.