I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You Might Also Like
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
SPLOOT
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
When he asks for feet pics
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.