Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
You Might Also Like
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Well, that should do it
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.