Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded