[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me sliding into hell like
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you