[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
🙅🏻
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.