DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
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$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard